Who I am...in Him

Today I spoke with both my dear friend Ashley and my parents in Skype.  Thank God for modern technology! As I grow older and especially being far from all that I've known and experienced before, I'm discovering so much about myself and becoming much more grateful for different things.  I used to be convinced that I didn't really miss people...and while that's still somewhat true, I've noticed a downward tendency in my attitude and outlook if I don't keep in touch with people I cherish, though I'm constantly surrounded by wonderful people.  And so I say, thank God for the luxury of internet! 

I also had a discussion with some of the ladies in my cohort this week about self awareness and growth; you know, I think I was convinced that I am an extrovert to the max because of how much I like meeting new people and like being the center of attention at times; however, I can look back and point out all the occasions in which I've needed personal time - to wander the city alone, worship in a car, write in a journal, run alone along the beach, take a random T stop for an afternoon of reading and photography.  Living in a room of 14 women and a church/house/school of 22 people with safety and ministry parameters ensuring that we're always with someone heightens my awareness of the introvert screaming to be coddled.  While I still am energized from being around a load of people and come to life in a group, I think I'm a lot more middle of the road than my Myers-Briggs has led me to believe...at that, that I have led myself to believe.

I tend to write when there are really great things going on or if I've found some icky part of myself that I'm trying to surrender to God...I guess, I just want to write, to be connected to you as another journeying through life with hopes, joys, disappointments and milestones.  While generally speaking, I'm here in Peru for missions work and great things are happening - I'm in training.  Days consists of school and meetings - preparation for the fulltime ministry yet to come.  And I can't spend every day picking myself apart and beating my spiritual body into shape.  We're also meant to sense God, to enjoy his creation, and as my friend Ashley mentioned in our conversation today, to be Marys instead of Marthas. 

My desire is to be able to hold my sight fully on God, to stop looking to the right or left - like Martha looking for a plate that needs to be picked up, a table that needs to be cleared off or a floor to be swept.  So, in some way this is an entry about beating myself into submission.  Hopefully, more so an opportunity for grace, with a reminder to LOVE like Christ.  To lavish love upon him, tears to wash his feet, perfume to point out his otherness, his holiness.  Tomorrow my goal is to breath in his goodness the second I return from the land of slumber.  To thank him for volcano Misti outside my window and to make good on what I do have in gratitude and returning it to God for his use.  I'm so easily distracted by those things to the right and to the left, but what is there is a mirage of satisfaction.  I'll even go as far as to say a time warp.  His word says if we lose our lives we shall gain it.  I'm certainly finding the real me, the real self as Clive Staples referred to it, as I pursue His will and not my own.

For now, I don't have stories of cute children living in villiages made of dust or stories of thousands finding salvation...those days will continue to come, but for now I need to focus on sitting attentively at the foot of my master and friend, soaking in the matters of his heart, memorizing the lines of his face, and the sound of his voice.  And this is how I find out who I truly am...in Him, where I find my life's purpose and significance.